Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My dick has a subreddit
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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