Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
