I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
