So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need a beard to bite.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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