saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
