I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
