perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
