I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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