you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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