remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
