I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
