Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
