***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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