he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
