I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
