sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
