I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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