I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
