Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
