She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
