I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
