I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
