there's paper in my vomit.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
