Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
