i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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