Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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