Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My bed smells like the plague
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
