I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
