bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
