Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
