The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
