my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
