OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
