Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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