Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
