Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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