It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
