I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
not ubering you a puppy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
