New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
