Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
