wrigley field is MILF paradise
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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