I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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