I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
