So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
