Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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