I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
