my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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