What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
