Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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