its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
