wakey wakey hands off snakey
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
